I've strapped myself to my desk chair and glued my eyes to a Math textbook for the better part of today, and I think I deserve a break! I have a Math Exam tomorrow morning, covering everything we've done this year... I honestly can't remember the last exercise we did, let alone the first one we did this year! I'm stressing out big time, and I'm really doubting myself. My cheat sheet has every possible thing that I can fit on it, yet I know that there's nowhere near enough to get me through this exam. I have absolutely no confidence in myself, but I really don't want to convince myself that I'll do horribly, because otherwise I will do horribly!
Today, apart from slaving away at numbers, I had a Therapist appointment, which went alright. I told her pretty much all my worries about changing. I'm scared of losing myself. I don't know who I am without 'ED'. ED is my identity now, and if I lose ED, I lose myself. Now I know that isn't true, I was a person before ED came into my life, but because it's been a part of my life for a while now I feel like it is me. That is unhealthy, unrealistic, illogical, stupid, doesn't-make-sense. I know I know I know. But knowing and doing something about it are two completely different things, unfortunately. You can talk about doing something all you want but unless you actually do it, nothing will happen. I've got to somehow put actions to my words. Transfer all this thinking and knowing into physically and mentally doing.
I'm stuck, in other words. Telling myself that I need to get better is all well and good, but until I actually do anything about it, it's a waste of words.
I'm stuck, in other words. Telling myself that I need to get better is all well and good, but until I actually do anything about it, it's a waste of words.
It's been raining most of the day, but it's sticky and humid and gross... I do like the thunder, though. It's a change from the blinding, burning sun! Thunder used to scare me as a little girl. Now thunder brings me a sense of safety and security. The deep, echoing rumbles are strong and powerful, the opposite of how I feel. It makes me feel brave and strong.
I'm giving my body a rest today, and not doing yoga. I haven't been feeling well lately, so I am being kind to myself in one way or another... Just not completely! I'm getting there. It all takes time. And I have time. We all have time. There is always time.
Give yourself some you time.
Every time is time to love yourself, because you are worth the time.
Wish me luck for tomorrow; I'll need it!
Love, love, love.
5 comments:
You're not loosing yourself, you're gaining a life. I'm always finding that I feel that way, and then soon enough I find a part of me, that I like! Much more than the ED.
xxx
Good luck - I'm sure all that studying will pay off!
Remember, getting past ED will make you a stronger person than before. You'll be the same with some extra umph and the ability to face any obstacles that come your way. You are not ED, but you will be so much better in the long run because you had to face him.
I believe in you - you can get through this!
Good luck hun!!
And you know what? I'm SURE you're going to be an even more stunning Eleanor without ED! And you will be loved for who you are, and not what ED wants you to be. It's scary but I promise you, when you get there, you'll be able to see how worth it it all is!!
xx
When you lose ED, you're not losing yourself - but gaining it back. When ED doesn't define you, you begin to relearn who you truly are. And without a doubt, the real you is so much better than being identified by an eating disorder.
You were someone before you had an ED; and the person you will be after recovery won't be the same as she was, because of what you've gone through. But you'll be an even better version of yourself!
Good luck on your exam!
<3 <3
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