I woke up this morning knowing I had a Therapist appointment. I wasn't dreading it, but I wasn't particularly looking forward to it, either. She's a wonderful lady, don't get me wrong, but for some reason, today I didn't have anything to say to her. Sure, I have a lot going on in my head that I wish I could sort out, but when it comes to talking about it and trying to explain, words don't do it justice. So anyway, I got out of bed, did my morning yoga, had breakfast and beautified myself for the day ahead. I waited outside my house, looking for her car.
...And I waited. I looked at my phone. Ten minutes past the normal time I see her. Then it sunk in. I had the wrong day. I cannot tell you how moronic I felt, standing outside my house for fifteen minutes waiting for someone that was never going to come. I don't know what I got out of that little experience, other than feelings of idiocy and stupidity. No one to blame but myself and my non-existent organization skills. Sigh.
Although my day started off on the wrong foot, (maybe I got out of bed on the wrong side? Who knows) I'm not feeling all that bad today. I do still have a lot going on in my head, and I would love to be able to get it out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Physically, I think I'm on the up, but mentally, I'm still in a hole. Like I said yesterday, I know I need to get better, but I'm having trouble wanting to get better, which makes the situation a pretty awkward one to be in. I'm still scared of everything, I still have these stupid fear foods, irrational fears I know are irrational, yet I can't beat. Or I don't want to beat? ED has a strangle-hold on me, and refusing to let go. I feel suffocated.
I read somewhere - on an amazing blog that I, for the life of me, cannot remember - that ED is like an abusive husband. And when I think about it, it makes so much sense. ED claims that he loves you, just like the husband, and says that he wouldn't ever hurt you, will always care for you and be there for you, and yet as soon as the door closes, he hits you, knocks you to the ground, beats you, leaves you lying on the floor in tears and pain. Minutes later, he comes back, saying he's sorry, saying he loves you, that he didn't mean to, that he'd never hurt you on purpose. And you believe him. You believe his every word, you believe him when he says he loves you and cares about you. You make excuses for him, you defend him, even though, deep down, you know everything he's doing is wrong. You know you would be so much better without him. But you can't leave him, you can't, because you're attached to him.
That, my ladies, is exactly what ED does. We know all that what ED is doing is wrong, yet we keep him close, we can't let him go. The intelligent girlie who said this, is right. She's hit the nail right on the head.
I'm sorry to be somewhat negative, but I really needed to get that down in writing!
In other news, my Dad did something completely unexpected today. I was getting ready to go out with him, as we were going shopping, and when he saw me, he looked at me strangely. Then he said "You're wearing blue." I think he's used to seeing me in greys and blacks. "That's a new top." That... I cannot tell you how much this amazed me. He noticed I had something new! I was blown away. Usually my father is Captain Oblivious, but today he really surprised me, by noticing me in something different. I know that may not seem like much, but it really struck a chord with me. He's full of surprises, that man.
This afternoon I've got to go to the Senior College for enrollment, and I am terrified. I'm still so scared about next year, being at a new school, new surroundings, with new people. It's a new chapter of my life but I don't think I'm ready to turn the page yet. Change is something I'm still struggling with accepting, in all aspects. Body & physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. I should be embracing this new change! I'll be studying the things I want to study, I'll have more "independence", I'll be growing up and becoming a woman, preparing myself for the adult world. But at the same time, I don't know if I want that. I don't know if I'm ready. It's such a strange position to be in! I'm at a crossroads and there are so, so many paths, and each path looks as daunting as the others, except for EDs... ED's is the easy road, the nice, simple, problem-free road. It's so tempting, it's awful. But you know what? ED can walk that path alone, because I'm not going to join him.
I choose life.
I just wish I knew which way life was.
Sorry for the narrative! I've got so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another day. Congratulations to those of you who made it through this maze of words and meanings!
Love, love, love.
...And I waited. I looked at my phone. Ten minutes past the normal time I see her. Then it sunk in. I had the wrong day. I cannot tell you how moronic I felt, standing outside my house for fifteen minutes waiting for someone that was never going to come. I don't know what I got out of that little experience, other than feelings of idiocy and stupidity. No one to blame but myself and my non-existent organization skills. Sigh.
Although my day started off on the wrong foot, (maybe I got out of bed on the wrong side? Who knows) I'm not feeling all that bad today. I do still have a lot going on in my head, and I would love to be able to get it out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not going anywhere. Physically, I think I'm on the up, but mentally, I'm still in a hole. Like I said yesterday, I know I need to get better, but I'm having trouble wanting to get better, which makes the situation a pretty awkward one to be in. I'm still scared of everything, I still have these stupid fear foods, irrational fears I know are irrational, yet I can't beat. Or I don't want to beat? ED has a strangle-hold on me, and refusing to let go. I feel suffocated.
I read somewhere - on an amazing blog that I, for the life of me, cannot remember - that ED is like an abusive husband. And when I think about it, it makes so much sense. ED claims that he loves you, just like the husband, and says that he wouldn't ever hurt you, will always care for you and be there for you, and yet as soon as the door closes, he hits you, knocks you to the ground, beats you, leaves you lying on the floor in tears and pain. Minutes later, he comes back, saying he's sorry, saying he loves you, that he didn't mean to, that he'd never hurt you on purpose. And you believe him. You believe his every word, you believe him when he says he loves you and cares about you. You make excuses for him, you defend him, even though, deep down, you know everything he's doing is wrong. You know you would be so much better without him. But you can't leave him, you can't, because you're attached to him.
That, my ladies, is exactly what ED does. We know all that what ED is doing is wrong, yet we keep him close, we can't let him go. The intelligent girlie who said this, is right. She's hit the nail right on the head.
I'm sorry to be somewhat negative, but I really needed to get that down in writing!
In other news, my Dad did something completely unexpected today. I was getting ready to go out with him, as we were going shopping, and when he saw me, he looked at me strangely. Then he said "You're wearing blue." I think he's used to seeing me in greys and blacks. "That's a new top." That... I cannot tell you how much this amazed me. He noticed I had something new! I was blown away. Usually my father is Captain Oblivious, but today he really surprised me, by noticing me in something different. I know that may not seem like much, but it really struck a chord with me. He's full of surprises, that man.
This afternoon I've got to go to the Senior College for enrollment, and I am terrified. I'm still so scared about next year, being at a new school, new surroundings, with new people. It's a new chapter of my life but I don't think I'm ready to turn the page yet. Change is something I'm still struggling with accepting, in all aspects. Body & physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. I should be embracing this new change! I'll be studying the things I want to study, I'll have more "independence", I'll be growing up and becoming a woman, preparing myself for the adult world. But at the same time, I don't know if I want that. I don't know if I'm ready. It's such a strange position to be in! I'm at a crossroads and there are so, so many paths, and each path looks as daunting as the others, except for EDs... ED's is the easy road, the nice, simple, problem-free road. It's so tempting, it's awful. But you know what? ED can walk that path alone, because I'm not going to join him.
I choose life.
I just wish I knew which way life was.
Sorry for the narrative! I've got so much more to say, but I'll leave that for another day. Congratulations to those of you who made it through this maze of words and meanings!
Love, love, love.
4 comments:
i understand what she is saying i read that before to, but i don't remember where i saw it either, it is very true to life and a good metaphor.
:) my dad was the same, he never noticed what i wore but after not wearing anything other that trackpants fro months he suprised me by noticing the first second i put on jeans (jeans that were falling off me but they still were jeans)
I am feeling quite the same about change but change will bring us more exciting new experiences to life, we should not fear life and all its joy that it brings to us.
I understand that metaphor completely! Sometimes he'll come for a sleep over, lots of screaming with my parents to throw him out, me screaming 'he's not as bad as you think' and then going to bed both sides angry, only to wake up and be scared to face my siblings because I'd let something back into my life, that I shouldn't have.
I had the same sort of experience with a nurse in IP. I always wore baggy track suit pants and a massive jumper and my hair up in a tight bun. One morning my roomie had borrowed my hair ties, so I came out with my hair down and she was like 'oh my goodness' of course I hated the attention at put my hair up immediatly and went back to curling up on the couch and shutting everybody out!
Love love,
xxxx
Aww I know what you mean about feeling like a moron for getting the day wrong, but you shouldn't... it happens to everyone at some point!! You have a lot to think about, after all.
Change is scary as hell, I'd be the first to admit that... but the truth is that the longer you avoid it or allow yourself to be afraid of it, the scarier it becomes.
<3 <3
Whoa, the abusive husband comparison to ED is so remarkably true. In that case, I want a divorce. ;D
I'm glad you had a better day, and it's nice to see things are shaping up between you and your dad. While not everyday can be perfect, it's better to stick around for the next than live in dread for the bad ones. Because any day can be good - it's you who needs to decide if you want it to be.
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